It has been a week long holiday and today is the finale of the, supposedly, mini vacation (i.e. Japan’s Golden Week). Allow me to share how it went by and the devil whom I spent it with.
Nothing happened, no travel and no recent posts here in WP. I did not even hang out with my friends. Last Thursday, I made a mental note of the things that have to be accomplished. There were tons mainly, academic work. But even in that aspect, I lagged. This is not me, not in my nature. I have always been the type of person who jump right into responsibilities, regardless of the deadlines. And by jump I meant, dance with obligations. I was the girl who did not crumble and who valued time more than anything. So now, what is wrong with me?
I am a procastinator and, I have never considered that before. Now, I have acknowledged it as a fact. The very act of delaying my plans proves that I am one. If you ask me when did it start, I do not have the answer. But I can tell you how it happened with the hope that you, as well, may be aware of its controlling ‘power’. It began with a spark and it proceeded spontaneously. Similar to the case of most university students, I decided on which courses to take and the number of credits/units I register every term. This term, I opted to lessen my academic work load and that led to me having more free time. So you probably know, I am the devil.
Time is merely a concept yet, it governs everything. Time may just be an illusion but it conquers all and is present in all. In the very sense, it is invisible and at the same time, invincible. To put it in my words – time is a bitch. I have turned to be a procastinator because I was fooled by the assumption that I got loads and reserves of time. Time will never be renewable. So during the Golden Week, I unleashed my nocturnal self and pulled up all nighter . Every day, I rise almost at midday only to fall to a pathetic routine. The week was pure emptiness and I was not even there myself. Although physically well rested, my mind has never been more drained.
I feel exhausted because this was never what I wanted. Have you ever been with people who become miserable because they hate their jobs or those who are in constant struggle to free themselves of whatever mess they got themselves in to? At this moment, this devil is one of them. My weariness is brought by a mixture of futility and defeat. I have succumb to temporary pleasure and I have never been more embarrassed. It would be good to put the blame on the so called “worldly life” but, what is the point? I have fed only the body, not to mention that it will be the first one to die anyway. This week has passed and the truth is, my body has lived but, my mind and the rest are frozen.
Odd how much the spring weather feels like it is below zero when it is finally marching towards summer. This is exactly what I feel and what I fear most. The very thought of being frozen in time terrifies me, of getting stuck and unable to move – not even forward or elsewhere. Procastination is the easiest leading bridge to achieve that stuck up life and I just allowed myself to be lured. Truth be told, if I have died this week then, my own soul would crawl back to earth from afterlife because the disappointment will never let her rest, never give her peace.
What is peace? I have my own definition and, I hope that you have too. In my dictionary, peace is a state of mind brought by the sense of fulfillment combined with the acquisition of freedom. Procastination have stolen peace from me. Actually, no. I threw my own peace the moment that I neglected what was written in my planner. It was as if buying the VIP ticket to “How to Destroy Your Dreams” concert. It could have been the worst but, knowing that it was not only me and that I was with others in that road to destruction is a massacre, a tragedy. But as I am writing this right now and there is only one word that comes to mind.
Today is the last day of the Golden Week and, it actually feels like the first time I woke up in seven days. I was the devil but the moment that I chose to wake up, I was not. I was just me, the same girl who does not crumble and who values time the most. The weariness is gone and the bite of the frost is fading. I can smell the scent of peace as much as I can feel the burst of passion to chase my dreams. I started writing again and, I did not just do it for myself but, I did it for others. For everyone. Yes, my dear, this is persistence.