Steve Jobs cannot make it any better when he said,
“You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards.”
He got it, bull’s eye. The future is unknown and, is only driven by the present. I knew this but, it is only now that I have come to understand it. Today, I turn 20. Two decades of living and yet, the question which I have always been seeking the answer still remains – Who am I?
With all honesty, I still do not know. The closest I have is a conjecture that the question of “Who am I?” is time-dependent. You can ask yourself this today and have an entirely different answer after ten years. Correlating time and multiple probabilities presuppose that the answer is continuously changing. Does this mean that we can only determine our identity at specific points in our lives. Considering that than, the more appropriate question is –
Who am I now?
My answer is plain and simple,
I am dying.
Don’t get me wrong here. I am free of any terminal illness. Neither do I have suicidal tendencies. But for some reason, it is my answer. We are all dying. Every breath we take maneuvers us towards our last breath. Death is inevitable. It happens to everyone and everything. Each day that he sun rises, we are awakened with hope and a certain degree of vigour. But how many of us remember the fact that the very same emotions are balanced by their oppositions – aging, weakness and the passing of time, for examples.
At least today I can say that I am dying every day and, each day gets better than the previous one – or so, I believe. Of course, there are days when life throws exceptional bull shit and I just happen to have my arms wide open but, even if this is the case, I choose to believe that things get better. Only when I accepted the concept of death did I begin to find the meaning of life. Death is a hoarder and to have this in mind is like a weapon which taught me to live more with a deeper sense of gratitude. More in my dictionary means putting my life’s decisions inclined to the positive phase of the universe, the good side.
In my case, more is anchored in only two things. And it just so happened that my more, are the only ones in the entire universe that set my soul on fire. First being my life’s ambition to be a servant of those who are in need. And second is, to write my heart’s desires and struggles. You know how elders say that you are to find the very thing that drives you, the very thing that has the capacity to lit you up, I believe I have found it, them actually. The challenge for me now is how to make my desire to extend help others and my desire to write coexist without compromising one over the other. Only when I am able to do these two things happily and simultaneously will I consider myself successful.
Having my more rooted to my passions sounds strong, bold even, especially considering the fact that I have done a lot of things I am not proud of – mistakes that will always be a part of who I am. However, I have learned to let go because, first and foremost, they are done and over with. Admitting my mistakes and knowing that I should have done otherwise is enough for me. Second, my mistakes are vital bits of my identity and every single thing that happened in my life, mistakes included, led me to where I am now. Trust me when I say that the wrong things led me to writing this. Our mistakes were choices, unique just like us, because our definition of right and wrong dffers.
The most important thing I learned from the compilation of my mistakes for the last two decades is knowing what is right for me. Looking back had always been a struggle but, it is such a relief when I am able to do it without guilt and equipped with the knowledge that there is only one direction I am headed – forward. I do not know for you but, that, for me, is courage. I have never seen myself as brave but, writing this makes me feel exactly that. I have survived twenty years here on Earth and no one knows how long do I have left. It took me two decades to realise all that I have written here and again, no one knows how long it will take me to pursue my more.
So, would it be too much if I ask more years to live by?
Finally, allow me to introduce myself to you. I am dying and with each passing day that I do, I am living to become more not only for myself but most especially for others. I am an aspiring writer so, I can break the barriers between myself, the people and the universe. I am striving to reach out to those who are in need, offer help and solace and share their pain. I am freeing myself of old mistakes because I do not want to give those the power to destroy the life I choose to live now. I am here, writing about the question I fear most and I have never been more courageous. This is who I am… now.